"The Chronicles of Clint Buchanan"
Copyright by ABC Daytime, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving, Express Riders!
I hope that you all had great dinners that you’ve all digested well, because this week’s storylines are loaded with Helmet and Pepcid moments. Just when I thought that our beloved show couldn’t go any further downhill, the writers have found an even deeper hole in which to sink. Ironically, the show ran new episodes for only three days this week, and it seems there was a scramble to cram a full week of nonsense in to make up for the lost network time.
Loonview Law & Order: The Chronicles of Clint Buchanan, Pimp?
Again, readers, I have completely given up believing that One Life to Live will ever get back the quality of storylines that fueled this show’s engines for so many years. While we still get a small share of entertaining plots this week, the rest of the show’s content has become the official “Guide to Living in Loonview”. This book comes complete with instructions on how to land high-paying jobs in the DNA-switching, creating and living false identity, and kidnapping, and blackmailing fields. I can just imagine the commercials now:
“Are you a criminal? Former rapist? Do you need cash now? If you’ve been incarcerated, blacklisted, have a criminal record, or simply want to risk your freedom on a highly illegal assignment, then you’re just the people that Buchanan Enterprises is looking for! Call 1-800- ANYTHING-GOES and ask for Clint Buchanan. We believe in you! If you call within the next twenty minutes, we’ll even double your package with TWO jobs for the price of one call! Act now, because these jobs are filling up fast! Women, call now for our extra special job openings in bed-mating! No experience necessary! We’ll train you!”
Writers, are you getting the message?
Clint’s latest escapades have just gone over the top, and sunk deep into the earth. I don’t think there’s a drilling company that can dig to those depths! We want to be entertained and seedy storylines work, to a point. Desecrating the integrity of our favorite characters? Well, a little tip toward the dark side every so often is entertaining. This spiraling tornado of ruthless, criminal, immoral, and self-serving atrocities that Clint Buchanan inflicted upon any and everyone in Llanview is despicable, to put it mildly. The blackmail that he posed upon Inez—while I always believed she was a little too puritanic to be a straight shooter—was inhumane and offensive. It would be nice if just one of these characters would grow a spine and do something POSITIVELY courageous and stand up to this jerk despite the sacrifice that comes hereafter. Inez should tell Bo and open the door of suspicion on Clint, which in turn just MIGHT protect her sons from losing all the things Clint said they would if she didn’t comply with sleeping with Bo. Of course, this can only be effective if in fact, Inez ISN’T interested in Bo. We viewers are certainly aware that such high moral standards do not exist in Loonview.
These horrendous disintegrations of characters such as Clint usually happen when the role of the character is about to be removed from the show, but as we have heard no such thing, then what is the point of this garbage? Ironically, it seems our hopes of Clint being exposed lie with the bratty Matthew, and hopefully he will come through and somewhat redeem himself from the nauseating little thing he’s become!
Law & Order Pt. 2: D.A. Buchanan is on the case
Nora has finally opened her eyes about Inez! JEEZ! I thought she would stay a blind moron forever! Inez’s peppy little June Cleaver act was becoming overwhelming, and any other female would have extended their claws so much sooner than this. I don’t know about any of you, but when Commission-Not Buchanan returned from putting the cuffs on Eddie Ford and headed straight over to INEZ to grab a glass of champagne, I would have counted the seconds it took for him to forget that his WIFE was on the OTHER side of the room and “accidentally” let a little reminder slip out that he must have gotten lost or something. And to add insult to injury, he passed his wife to escort INEZ to the dinner table! Did anyone else catch a glimpse of that hidden rolling pin Nora pulled out of her briefcase to whack over Bo’s head?
Law & Order-Pt. 3: The Psycho’s Coming!
Look out, the town psychiatrist is shopping for her own couch! WHAT THE HECK is going on with MARTY SAYBROOKE??? I get it, viewers. She’s TICKED OFF! She lost her son to prison, and she blames Natalie. BUT THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!! I’m a mother myself, and if Natalie had run my child over with her car, set my child up, or something to that effect, then I can relate to this rampage that Marty has embarked upon. COLE turned himself in to the police, and COLE matured enough to face the consequences of his actions. As much as it hurts, what she’s doing throws cold water on all of the progress Cole’s made when he made those decisions.
Marty has neglected her practice, abandoned all of her own morals and obligations to her Hippocratic oath to stick her nose in Natalie’s paternity results as a way of “avenging’ Cole? She has succeeded only in projecting herself as a desperate scorned lover who wants John back any way she can get him. What is with these Loonview women and their recycled leftovers? The sad part is, Marty’s character had evolved. She was introduced as a drunken college party girl who found herself in a traumatic situation during one of her binges. She had to face the discrimination of the law, and the scrutiny of society against rape victims, and won her case. She eventually managed to find a great love match with Patrick Thornhart, married and bore a son, left Llanview in tragedy and re-emerged a psychiatrist who helped others. She was the epitome of strength for others like her, and it was a wonderful change in soaps. I guess change is a frightening thing, because from the throws of greatness came Marty Saybrooke, psychotic low-life.
I get that she wants someone to pay, but what satisfaction will she get when Natalie’s baby’s life is destroyed from the public humiliation? And when exactly does a couple in Llanview get a chance to deal with their baby issues in PRIVATE? Has anyone noticed that every time there’s a question about a Llanview baby’s paternity, the ENTIRE TOWN knows about it? There has never been ONE time that a couple suffered this obstacle in private or discreetly. Jeez! I wonder what Marty believes she will get from this mission that she’s on. A reward? John? Pats on the back from Llanview? I am not buying the “she has nothing to lose” nonsense, because this is too crazy even for a grieving parent. I almost agree with Todd’s sneaky trick about banning her from seeing Hope, at least for the moment. I can see her now, reading Hope a bedtime story and substituting words like “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who was loved by all the land” with “Once upon a time, there was a wicked witch named Natalie who needed to be exposed for her lying dirty secrets”. She needs to visit the Rubber Room Island for a long vacation until she can re-evaluate her own sense of reality.