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REFLECTIONS
BY JILL…..
I’ve been watching a lot of old tapes lately, especially when I need to get a dose of some of the characters that I’m not seeing enough of on the screen, and I’ve noticed in listening to the characters speak to each other over and over again, that there are just some lines that come out of their mouths that I can live without EVER hearing again. I dedicate this week’s column to, LINES I AM SICK OF HEARING!!!
I have to start with my favorite, which cracks me up every single time I hear it. It has many variations, and here are just a few. “Nothing will ever come between us.” “As long as we’re together, nothing can hurt us ever again.” “As long as you’re by my side, I can handle anything.” “We can handle anything….together.” Now, is there anyone out there who believes any of these lines? I can honestly say that when I hear one of these lines, I just know that tragedy is around the corner, that a loving couple is about to be ripped apart, and that something inevitably is going to come between them…LOL. It’s like someone giving you directions on the road and telling you how many streetlights to pass and how many left turns to make, and then saying, “You can’t miss it.” I don’t know about you, but that’s always the kiss of death for me and somehow, I do “miss it.”
It’s the same with these famous soap lines. We’ve heard them so many times that it’s almost funny when they’re spoken. I’m sure I’ve heard those words spoken by Viki and Ben at least once before every crisis that has torn them apart. Every couple has uttered these words to each other and it seems like within seconds, they are ripped apart. I always want to scream at the TV screen and say, “Hey, remember you said nothing would tear you apart? Remember you said you’d get through everything together? Well then, what the heck are you doing apart?????” I still remember Ben’s famous line when I flash back to him with a gun in his hand as Viki left Crossroads, or when she gave him back the engagement ring, or when he wouldn’t tell her he was Asa’s son. I wanted to scream so many times, “Ben, remember when you said, ‘Blondie, my love for you is stronger than my hate for Asa?’” See, sometimes I even want to smack my beloved Ben. Suffice it to say that these lines, for all couples, have definitely lost their effectiveness and believability.
OK…here’s another one that drives me crazy. “I did it because I love you.” There is also, “Everything I do is for love.” These lines are the lamest excuses around and they are always used by the most pathetic characters to excuse all kinds of mean, nasty and criminal behaviors. Roseanne sure comes to mind on this one. Every rotten thing she did when she was involved with Cristian was done “in the name of love.” After all, it was her devious little mind that got her wormed into his bed in the fist place and she was the mastermind that got Will involved in that plan of hers to get him to subsidize Christian’s stay in New York…which landed Will in jail and the worst trouble of his young life. Not that Will wasn’t responsible for his own stupid actions, but Roseanne did it all out of her love for Christian….in her mind. Then she moved on to big brother Antonio and her bad deeds escalated into even worse crimes. When she told Antonio that everything she did was because of her love for him, he should have just laughed in her face and walked away. The fact that he didn’t, and that he didn’t haul her off to jail for being the LPD mole, is something that I think he needs to address in therapy.
Apologies in advance to my friend Christina, but can we leave this section without addressing “The Queen?” Lindsay…oh Lindsay…you have been such a bad girl and we all know that everything you do is in the name of love…love for your children, love for your sister (hah), and most of all…you’d blow up the country if you thought it would get Bo to come back to you. There is honestly nothing Lindsay has done for anyone but herself and I challenge anyone to tell me she even knows the definition of the word “love.” I do find it hysterical that she can continue to look people in the eye and wonder why they don’t believe a word she says. I suppose she really was “getting some air” in the ladies room last week with her butt hanging out the window, because of her love and concern for Jen. I do love to hate you, Linz!
Here’s another line that I’ve heard enough of. “Don’t make this any harder on us than it already is.” What the heck is that supposed to mean? Just a couple of weeks ago Melanie used this line on Bo when they were split up and he wanted to talk to her and try to make things right. I know she was feeling guilty and not worthy of Bo after having lied to him about the whole Colin murder fiasco, but I just hate that line. Last year when Ben and Viki were split up, she said that to him every single time he came near her and tried to talk to her, or find a way for them to get back together. I hated it every time she said it. “Don’t make this harder than it already is?” Could it have gotten any harder for Viki and Ben to live through those months of separation? I don’t think so. And the sad look in Ben’s eyes every time she said it and broke his heart a little more just about killed me. I say, if it’s so hard to be in the presence of the one you love and not be together that you have to use that line which makes them feel like they’re making things worse, then you need to just chuck your differences out the window and throw yourselves into each other’s arms. Hey, that’s my solution and that would make me verrrry happy.
How about this one??? “I never meant to hurt you.” OR, “I didn’t mean to lie to you.” LOL…I call these lines, “famous last words after you’ve just plunged the knife into someone’s heart.” We won’t even go into how many times Roseanne has used this one, but everyone else has used it, too. There was Will saying it to Jess when he lied to her to get her to go home when they were on the run. There was Cris saying it to Jess after she found out he hid the letter Will wrote from Ireland. And the mother of all examples, for me, was when Joey found out that his brother and his wife were “an item” and they swore that they never meant to hurt him. That was the worst. Using that line was an insult to Joey and an insult to his very close relationship with his brother. They may think they never meant to hurt him, but from the minute they laid eyes on each other in a non-brother/sister-in-law way, they knew what it would do to Joey. They lied to him for a long time and Kelly marrying Joey was the worst thing she could have done…no matter what her reasons were. Saying they never meant to hurt him had a very hollow ring to it.
OK…here are a bunch of lines from my favorite buffoon, Asa Buchanan, which I can definitely live without ever hearing again.
“Get out of town, Rappaport.”
“Call the exterminator. There’s a Rappaport in the room.”
“Max, that Ben Davissson has to die.”
“Max is my only son” (At least now Asa knows Max is a fraud and he doesn’t want to kill Ben any more….I HOPE!”)
“Viki, you belong with my son, Clint, not this Davisssson trash!”
“Viki, why are you shacking up with this vermin and not a real man like my son Clint?”
“Renee, you’re comin’ home with me, woman!”
“Nigel, what the hell happened to my security system?”
Do I really need to go into detail about Asa and his mouth? I didn’t think so. Every time I hear something like these lines out of his mouth, I want to pour a bottle of cheap bourbon over his head. OH, and did I mention that if I hear another grown man call Asa “PA” again, I will just spit?” Guys, this is Pennsylvania….not Little House On The Prairie….geez!
Here’s a desperate line we hear too much. “You loved me once…you can love me again.” Only two women come to mind when I hear this line. The first is Lindsay, of course. She truly believes this about Bo. Well, maybe now that he’s engaged to her sister she’s starting to believe he’s yesterday’s news, but I’m sure that if she could find a way to get Lanie out of the picture, she’d get right in the batter’s box again. She did make a valiant try to get Lanie out of the way when she tried to get her dear sister fried in North Carolina for the “murder” of their father. She really believed that was going to work. Bo isn’t going to love Lindsay again…it took him long enough to see the light…but I’m sure she’ll keep trying, after all, if you can’t obsess over your obsession, what else is there to do?
Of course, the other woman who comes to mind when I hear this line is none other than Ms. Ginabobina Russo. She believed this line even more than Lindsay did. Someone should have told her that most normal people don’t wait around 20 years for you to come back into their lives and kidnap them. She had a better chance of hitting the lottery without buying a ticket. As if Ben was going to dump Viki the minute Gina appeared and say, “Gina, where the heck have you been? I’ve been waiting my whole life for you to come back to me. Hang on, just let me dump the love of my life and we can pick up where we left off.” HAH!
One line that I think is very funny is from Bo, when he tells someone, “No deals. No plea-bargains. You’re headed to Statesville.” This one kills me….no one ever goes to prison and they all wind up making a deal that makes Bo look like an idiot. The bad guys get away with everything in Llanview. I truly love Bo, but he should stop throwing those lines around. Stop saying what you don’t mean, Bo…LOL. He’s said these lines to RJ so many times that RJ should just recite them along with him. And the worst was when they had Colin all wrapped up in a pretty package ready for prison and Bo swore he’d pay for everything he’s done. Did it take Colin more that 10 minutes to get them to give him immunity for turning over that tape to free Will? Hey, nobody who belongs in Statesville ever goes…there are cells there with names on them that have never been occupied….for Lindsay, Asa, RJ, Roseanne….no need to go on.
The last line that comes to mind, which I laugh at every time, is “OK, I’ll tell you the whole truth.” This one is just too ludicrous. Will has been saying this to Jess for months and he never tells her a single thing…and I think he’s still hiding plenty. Lindsay has said it to Bo a million times and every time he’s dumb enough to listen, she tells him another tall tale. Do these people know what the truth is? Not only do they not tell the truth, but they stall just long enough to make up a doozy of a lie that’s even worse than the original one.
Now, I have some suggestions for dialogue I’D like to hear for a change. Feel free to throw in some of your own…these are the lines I’d write, if given half a chance:
Asa to Ben: “Davissson, I know I’m nowhere near good enough to be your father, but dang, I’d like you to give me a chance to prove I can be a human being. Let me be your Pa, boy.”
Ben
to Asa: “Asa, I don’t have enough years left for you to prove that you’re a
human being, and you will never be my PA.”
Gabby
to Max: “Darling, can you pass me a parka? It’s getting awfully chilly in here
in these skimpy clothes…oh, and while you’re at it, please pass the muscle
relaxants…my legs are just killing me from being in all these unnatural
positions.”
Viki to Ben: “Make love to me, Ben, and don’t stop until I tell you to.”
Ben to Viki: “Blondie, it will be my pleasure. You’re insatiable and I’m such a lucky guy.”
Viki to Ben: “Yes you are. Now quit talking.”
Ben
to Viki: “Yes, ma’am.”
Lindsay to Bo: “Lock me up, Bo…I did it.”
Bo to Lindsay: “You did what?”
Lindsay to Bo: “You name it…I did it.”
Will to Jess: “Jessica, I love you.”
Jess
to Will: “Will, would you quit that whining already?”
Nora to Sam: “I remember everything, and I remember loving you.”
Sam
to Nora: “God, it’s about time.”
Todd to Blair: “Blair, will you marry me again?”
Blair to Todd: “Are you out of your mind? Waste another designer dress when you dump me at the alter again? NO WAY!”
Starr: “Does this mean I get another new dress?”
Well, it doesn’t look like they’re going to let me write my version of the way things should be any time soon. I can only hope that the new writers will retire some of the old lines and give us some spunky new ones, but in the meantime, maybe we can retire Asa, Lindsay and Roseanne to a comfy jail cell for a while so they can work on…getting rid of the Rappaports, getting Bo back, and fooling Antonio into coming around. I don’t think they’ll have much success…at least I hope not!
See
ya next week…..
Jill
FAN FEEDBACK
AND QUESTIONS ON LAST WEEK’S COLUMN
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Samuel Sloan writes: “Hello. I read your 6/18 column and couldn't AGREE more with everything you said. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in my increasing disappointment with my favorite soap. It seems like nothing is going right on this show anymore - not the stories, the characters, the recasts, the new characters - and it seems to be getting worse, not better, since Gary Tomlin took over. I see in the current SOAP OPERA DIGEST that OLTL is third from the bottom in the ratings, beating only PORT CHARLES and PASSIONS, but losing to every other soap. There is a reason for that! It's obvious to everyone who watches for even a week.”
Dear
Samuel: I agree with you about the sad state of the ratings. I have to say
that I don’t necessarily attribute my dislikes to Gary Tomlin…not totally, at
least. He’s just been the one in the hot seat since I’ve been writing this
column, but Jill Farren Phelps and Megan McTavish are responsible for some of
the things I don’t like as well. GT does, however, get total credit for my
anger over the loss of my favorite characters and those feelings are still very
raw. I think GT has made a positive impact on the show in some respects. I am
enjoying it more than I was before he came on the scene and I have to emphasize
that a lot of my humor (sarcasm, actually) is directed at things that are not
attributable to GT, but to soap plots in general. OLTL is the one that
gets blasted, because it’s the one I watch…LOL. All the shows do the same silly
things. I keep watching because in spite of all the silliness, I still love
it…complaints and all.
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Lamar writes: “HI JILL, WILL R .J. EVER HAVE A LOVE LIFE? WE ALL NEED LOVE. I AM SICK OF GABBY AS A NEW WIFE ALWAYS HALF-NAKED. I KNOW SHE CAN TEMPT MAX, IS SHE POSING ALL THE TIME? SHE GETS ON MY NERVES. I LIKE STARR. SHE IS A LITTLE BRAT BUT SHE IS GOOD.”
Dear Lamar: You know RJ
just might get a love life one of these days. I just read that Sherry Saum,
from Sunset Beach will be joining the cast of OLTL later this summer and
will be airing in the fall….and who knows...maybe she’ll be the one to turn him
around…I’m not holding my breath, are you? And yes, Gabby IS posing all the
time…silly isn’t it? Can’t quite take her too seriously when she does yoga with
every line she speaks. Regarding Starr…I adore her. How funny was she with the
“love potion lady?” I should hit that kid up for a loan.
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Melleedawn writes: “Jill,
I agree with most of what you said. I am sick of Nora, Christian and everybody
slamming Lindsay. I know she's sneaky and got a lot of problems but I like to
see her trying to wiggle out of things. I think that it will be funny to see how
Nora reacts if it isn't Lindsay. Ms. Goody two shoes Nora will just spazz out.
And as for Christian, I don't care who he is. If he talked to my mom like
that I'd dump him in a heartbeat. No matter what she did, she is an adult and
should be respected.”
Dear Melleedawn: I think it will be funny to see how Nora reacts, too, if Lindsay isn’t the killer. I don’t think we have to worry about Lindsay being the killer. She has to be around to torment us in her next caper…LOL. I happen to be a big fan of Nora’s, but she can be a Miss Goody Two Shoes sometimes…that’s true. As far as Cristian needing to respect Lindsay just because she’s an adult…can’t go with you on that one…Cris has been nothing but good to Jen, and Lindsay has treated him like dirt for no reason. Well, correction…the reason is that he’s a threat to Lindsay because he’s an honest person. He doesn’t owe Lindsay anything until she gives him a BIGGG apology for how she’s treated him.
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