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REFLECTIONS
BY JILL…..
I thought I’d have some fun
this week…not that I don’t have fun every week…but I’ve been thinking
about some of the fine citizens of Llanview and how some of them are just
wasting away in their current lives. I
was thinking that some of them need a spark, some excitement, and a new way to
make a living that would suit them much better than what they’re doing now.
I’ve come up with ways to enrich all of their lives, and have them
dedicate their lives to what they’re really suited for…or in some cases,
what would challenge them most. I
think some of them need a push in a new direction, so here are my suggestions
for some NEW PROFESSIONS FOR THE FINE CITIZENS OF LLANVIEW!
Please note: I wrote this
article with a very big dose of “tongue in cheek” humor and I hope you enjoy
it as it was meant to be taken!
In no particular order, I shall begin
with…….
Asa Buchanan
Now here is a man who is totally wasting his
strongest attribute….his big mouth! I
have chosen the job of Carnival Barker for good old Asa.
Since he’s so good at mouthing off at people, and he’s also great at
raking in the bucks, I figured this would be a fitting profession for him. Can’t you just see it?
There’s the old cowboy, running the most profitable booth at the
carnival….I can hear him now yelling, “COME ONE, COME ALL…THE GRAND
PRIZE…THE BIGGEST STUFFED GOAT IN THIS BOOTH GOES TO THE GENIUS WHO CAN GUESS
HOW MANY FILLIES I’VE MARRIED AND THE NAMES OF ALL MY KIDS!” Now be honest, how many of you would win that stuffed goat?
I’ve tried it myself and haven’t gotten the right answer yet.
Max Buchanan…oops…Holden
This one is a no-brainer.
Maxie is going to be Llanview’s newest used car salesman. Hey, it’s the perfect job for the most imperfect con man.
Max will buy his own used car dealership with money he stole from the
little old lady selling tickets at Asa’s carnival, and Max’s ad in The Sun
will read, “USED CARS…WE SPECIALIZE IN SERVICING ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WITH NO
SELF-RESPECT. COME VISIT OUR LOT
AND TEST DRIVE OUR LATEST CROP OF CREAM PUFFS WITH 3 WHEELS AND NO BRAKES.
WE HAVE A CAR FOR YOU!”
Gabrielle Medina Holden Buchanan (what’s her name?)
I think that with Gabrielle’s “talent”,
she is suited for only one profession…and since Renee gave up her claim to
that turf many years ago, I think I’d set up a little “House of
Hospitality” on the south side of Llanview and Gabrielle would be very much at
home as the new “Madame With The Mostest.”
She wouldn’t even need a new wardrobe.
She’s already got the proper lingerie for the job and she can hold
seminars for her “girls” on “how to cross your legs” and “how to keep
the first 10 buttons of your blouse open without falling out of it”.
She really is wasting her talents as Asa’s wife and partner in crime.
Roseanne Delgado
I have come up with a way for Roseanne to make
a ton of bucks. She is going to
open up a new Psychic Friends Hotline. I
know, I know…you’re saying it’s already been done, but this won’t be the
same old type of hotline that made more money for Dionne Warwick than Burt
Bachrach ever could. Oh no! Roseanne’s
psychic hotline will have a feature like none other that has preceded it. Her ad will read as follows:
“CALL MY NEW PSYCHIC FRIENDS HOTLINE…THE FIRST 100 CALLERS WILL
RECEIVE A FREE VOODOO DOLL….NO BATTERIES NECESSARY AND THE PIN IS INCLUDED!”
Who could pass up such a deal?
Renee Buchanan Devine
I think Renee has had enough of the hotel
business. Maybe she can keep the
Palace Restaurant for fun…after all, there’s always a lot of action
there…people getting food spilled all over them, getting their heads flushed
down the toilet, people walking in naked (ewww…remember Max?).
Renee is going to sell the hotel and use her profits to open up a hair
salon. Maybe Renee can finally rid
herself of her feelings for Asa, as the sound system in her new hair salon plays
a continuous version of “Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair.”
Viki Davidson
Now our dear, sweet Viki deserves a
break…don’t you think? This
woman has been through it all, especially in the last couple of years.
I think she needs something different in her life, other than the
doldrums of running a newspaper, and I am going to make her Llanview’s newest
hotel owner. Viki is going to buy
the Palace Hotel from Renee and of course, that includes Serenity Springs. I think Viki deserves to use that spa…at least once or
twice a day….especially since Florida is so far away.
She can unwind, have a few herbal wraps, slap some cucumber slices on her
eyes, catch a few rays and tan until the sun goes down.
All patrons must heed the sign on the wall, though…NO MOBSTRESSES
ALLOWED!
Ben Davidson
Now, is there anyone who doesn’t know what
Ben’s new job is going to be? Line
up gals…Ben is going to be Serenity Springs’ new Massage Therapist.
The only problem for all the women lined up will be that the new owner
has all of his time slots filled. Hey,
why do you think Viki’s buying the place?
There’s a method to her madness. Viki
is no fool. She knows the healing
properties of those hands. No need
for Ben to waste a good pair of hands shaking drinks and twisting off bottle
caps when there are so many more productive and satisfying uses for those
priceless gems? Don’t be too mad
at me ladies, but since I am the employment consultant, I get Ben’s first open
appointment…that is in a year or so when Viki decides he might have a free
hour.
Nora Hanen Gannon Buchanan (I hope to add Rappaport soon)
I think for Nora, I am going to choose a new
career that will make her the happiest she’s ever been.
She is going to be the Llanview Police Department’s new Polygraph
Specialist. Can’t you just see
Nora, the woman who loves the truth more than life itself, drooling every day
when she goes to work over being able to strap her victims into that chair, hook
them up, and dare them to lie to her? I
think instead of giving her a salary, Bo should let her just bring in Lindsay
once a week, tie her to the chair and watch Lindsay’s creative ways of trying
to make that needle on the machine NOT fly off the page.
That would be much more rewarding to Nora than money. And maybe she’d finally put us all out of our misery and
find out who the heck killed Colin.
Sam Rappaport
Now I know that Sam is a brilliant attorney
with a great career (although he needs to learn how to properly clean a pair of
bloody boots), but I thought that just in case he gets convicted (NOT), or if he
just gets tired of law for a while, he can start a whole new career as a writer. I think Sam’s first book should be an autobiography and
should be entitled, “How I Found The Fountain Of Youth In One Quick Recast.”
I can see the first few chapters now.
Chapter 1: Going from Gray
to Blonde. Chapter 2:
My Brother Ben – Finally, The Older Brother I Always Wanted.
Chapter 3: “Nora, it’s
me…I swear it.” I think Sam
could have a best seller on his hands. Hey,
I’d sure stand in line to have him sign my copy.
Lindsay Rappaport
This woman was the toughest of Llanview’s
citizens to employ. She’s just so
good at everything…LOL! I did,
however, want her to have a satisfying career, one that would showcase her best
quality…so Lindsay is going to open up her own Balloon Shop.
I know, you’re asking why…but it’s very simple.
Although Lindsay has so much to give as a mother, a sister, an ex-wife, a
burglar…she does have one attribute that far outweighs them all…SHE’S FULL
OF HOT AIR! I almost gave this job
to Asa, but Lindsay beat him out. Oh,
and you won’t find one of those big air canisters or helium tanks in
Lindsay’s shop. She won’t need
one…she can blow up every balloon in the place herself…with breath to spare.
She could send a hot air balloon across the Atlantic and back with just
one puff. And look at it this way,
her shop will be more successful than any other shop of it’s kind, because
since she won’t need to hire people to blow up the balloons, she can cut her
prices lower than anyone else.
Will and Jen Rappaport
This brother and sister team definitely needs
to work together. I am moving them
to nighttime TV and they are going to become sitcom stars.
Although the top studio in Hollywood has auditioned thousands of young
stars, Will and Jen have won the roles of the brother and sister team in a new
sitcom called, “The Days of WHINE and Roses.”
Tell me they’re not perfect for that show. If the public has to listen to those “nails on a
blackboard” voices, then at least let it be in the proper arena…not to
mention it gives the daytime audience a huge break.
If we’re really lucky, mama Lindsay will pay them a crossover cameo
visit every now and then.
R. J. Gannon
OK everybody….R.J. has seen the light and I
have finally gotten him fully ensconced in the Llanview Correctional System.
I know, you’re thinking that R.J. is finally getting what’s coming to
him because I hate the “bad guys” so much.
You probably thought I’d be giving him an education in license plate
production. Well…SURPRISE…R.J.
Gannon is going to be Llanview’s newest parole officer. Hey, it could happen! Don’t
you think R. J. has a future in teaching wayward young men how to respect the
fine members of the Llanview PD…or how to bow down when in the presence of the
illustrious and ever-adored Police Commissioner?
We know he’s no good at hiding dead bodies, so I think this job could
be the challenge of a lifetime for him.
Todd Manning
Todd is going to have his hands full.
He’s going to open up a new school in Llanview.
It will be called, THE LLANVIEW ACADEMY FOR THE STUDY OF ETIQUETTE.
Todd is going to teach everybody how to “Do The Right Thing.” He will hold classes in Parenting, Business Management,
Sibling Relations, Social Graces, Family Ties, Making and Keeping Friends, and
Art Appreciation (where can I get a portrait like the new one he hung at
Dorian’s house?). Better sign up
for the fall semester soon…the seats are going fast!
Blair Cramer (has she officially been un-Buchananized yet?)
Blair does hold a special place in my heart,
and I have the utmost respect for her because no matter what is going on in her
life, she always remembers the most important thing… DRESSING WELL!
That being said, I’d like to see Blair try something new and different.
I’m going to give her a lesson in humility and make her the newest
clerk at the local McDonald’s. I
just think she’s so talented and I would love to see how creative she can be
as she stands at the counter in her Valentino dress and Prada shoes asking her
clients, “Would you like fries with that?”
Starr Manning
Starr is going to have a wonderful career as a
motivational speaker. She is going
to travel from school to school, all over the country, speaking to kids about
how to survive bad parenting with the use of a limitless credit card. Can you think of anybody better for this job?
I think she’d be perfect for it and she can even use her new
zillion-dollar doll collection (courtesy of Uncle Max) for Show and Tell.
Antonio Vega
Antonio is going to take over Rae’s column at
the Banner. Don’t you think he
can write a love column? His first
article will be: “How to Walk Away From a Woman With No Scruples, Even When
Her Body Makes You Forget She’s an Accident Waiting to Happen.”
Of course, Antonio has to learn how to do this himself before he writes
that article.
Melanie MacIver
Ah, I have made sure that Melanie will never be
without a source of income. She is
going to become an actress, and I have just signed her to a lifetime contract.
Melanie is going to play the role of Sandy in…Grease 2, Grease 3,
Grease 4…you get the picture. When Olivia Newton John saw Melanie coming for an audition,
she gave up and ran away. Can you
see Bo in his leathers as Danny Zuko? Wait
a minute…I have to rethink that one. The
only “out clause” in Melanie’s contract is that if there is ever a movie
made entitled, “The Life and Times of Barbie”, she gets time off to play the
lead. (Note:
I really like Melanie AND Darlene Vogel…so remember…tongue in cheek!)
I haven’t actually come up with new careers
for Kevin, Joey and Jessica yet. I
think they are going to be in therapy for a long time trying to figure out those
annoying questions….Who’s my father? Who’s
my stepfather? Who’s my uncle? I’m sure you’ll agree…their plates are full.
In case I have left out any of your favorites,
I apologize. It’s hard work
trying to find jobs for some of these people.
I am, however, open to suggestions for my next Employment Fair…LOL!
I hope I at least gave you a chuckle and of course, if you hate any of my
suggestions, you can always tune in to OLTL every day and see all you
faves in “reel life”…doing what TPTB think they do best.
See ya next week….
Jill
FAN FEEDBACK
AND QUESTIONS ON LAST WEEK’S COLUMN
______________________
CarolT345
writes: “I am sick of your
obvious bias. Well, DUH. Todd loves Blair. You know, like Ben loves Viki.
How would you feel if I said that Ben is WAY too obsessed with Viki and
her family? There are a multitude of TODD AND BLAIR fans out there, and we
WANT them together. Todd and Blair have a daughter together, and
they love each other. Todd's place is with BLAIR. I don't want him
involved in the BORING Colin murder. Stick Ben in there instead. I'm
tired of your pro-Ben/Viki anti-T/B bias. Why can't someone else write the
column once in a while? And John
Bolger… Oh jeez. I can't wait for him to leave, and I wish he'd take Rae
with him. I disagree with almost every single thing you say. I can't
believe we're watching the same show.”
Dear Carol: I may be wrong, but are you trying to say you don’t like me???? I am wondering if you took the time to read my article that was totally dedicated to Todd, Blair and Starr. I made a major point of praising Roger, Kassie and Kristin (whom I adore) for their wonderful acting talent and was dismayed at the fact that the Emmy nominations were stolen from them. I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I am a card-carrying Ben and Viki fan. I do have to say that comparing the way Todd loves Blair to the way Ben loves Viki is kind of hysterical. I mean, come on, Todd is not your typical romantic leading man and he is not meant to be. His role is his alone, as is Ben’s. I don’t remember the last time Ben threw Viki out of her home, took away her children, helped get her arrested for attempted murder, destroyed her at the altar…need I go on? Yes, Todd is a vital part of OLTL. Yes, he has tons of fans. Yes, RH is a great actor. Do I have to love everything he does? Certainly not. Do you have to like Ben? Certainly not. I don’t deny you the right to carry a card for Todd and Blair. So why all the unnecessary disdain?
And for sure, I never said Todd and Blair don’t belong together…on the contrary, they certainly do belong together. Who else deserves them? I will say this…although I adore Ben and Viki and I obviously like some characters less, you will NEVER find me going to any websites that support other characters and trashing them, or trashing people for their opinions…and believe me, there are more Ben and Viki detractors out there than anything else. I respect everyone’s right to support who they like on their own sites, and this website supports my right to express my thoughts freely about anything to do with OLTL. So, I’m sorry you don’t enjoy my column. You may choose not to read it and that’s why they call this wonderful land we live in “America.” And by the way, I can’t do anything about getting someone else to write my column, that is, unless enough people like you write in and they fire me…LOL!
___________
Jeanneaurora writes: “Dear Jill, Loved your comments this week, somehow I never heard or read why they replaced Sam with a younger looking man, especially since we were all so comfortable with the old Sam.”
Dear Jeanneaurora: Unfortunately, TPTB decided not to renew Kale Brown’s contract when it expired earlier this year…to my great disappointment. As far as the new Sam looking younger…I agree that he does, but since I am just glad that TPTB decided not to do away with the role of Sam with Kale’s departure, I have learned to accept Larry Lau as Sam…for the most part so far. IMO, he’s doing a great job with Nora and I even like him with Ben…never thought I’d say that.
___________
Colleen
writes: “Jill, you hit the nail square on the head! This week's
column is superb and it is so refreshing to see someone point out what so many
of the fans have been saying for so long. I'm a huge fan of John and Rae
and it will be a huge travesty to lose John and one of the few romantic things
about OLTL.”
On the same subject, Mas81djs writes: “Jill, I really enjoy reading your column. This week you hit on something I wanted to comment on. I totally agree that keeping John Bolger should be a must. Rae and John are finally together, and as you said, so much could still be explored with them. John Bolger and Linda Dano together are wonderful. It's such a shame so many have gotten to watch their whole romance blossom, and now are being let down. Llanview can use Ben and Blondie, but certainly Ben and Blondie can use two best friends - a cop and a doc who create magic together. There's room for everyone. If only TPTB would listen.”
Dear
Colleen and Mas81djs: A large part
of the mail I received in response to last week’s column was about
everyone’s disappointment over John Bolger being let go.
A lot of people feel the way you and I do…that it is a pity to lose a
couple like John and Rae when we don’t get to see nearly enough romance as it
is. I wish something could be done
to stop this mistake, but unfortunately, I think it’s one more error in
judgment we will have to endure.
___________
